a conversation...

fat: did you know 'Helsinki branch mail room' from a DDT post is also a V.Bros joke?

d.d.: Which episode is Helsinki mail room from?

fat: 'guess who's coming to state dinner'. The consensus pick for worst episode of season 2.

d.d.: Hey, even the best stolen material can't save you all of the time, right?

fat: I had more in mind another data point indicating our 4 minds think muchly alike. Along the lines of the shrinking-table gag ...

d.d. At this point I've decided to start erring on the side of outright theft.

fat: Yes, because our stuff is so richly documented and accessible. Why, it practically exists!!¹

d.d.: My point exactly [nods authoritatively to self]

fat: I hate getting ripped off! They're RIPPING US OFF!! Taking beer right out of my little girl's mouth!

d.d. : glad you came to yr senses.


-transcribed by d.d.


¹ Fat's referring to an extravagant & richly planned, but never executed, puppet show. We both swear that jokes from THAT conceived series keep cropping up in VentureBros. SWEAR! At 1st we thought, well, great minds, & all that, & at the least, WOWS, there's OTHER PEOPLE who think the shit we think is funny, IS ALSO FUNNY. WOW. As recorded above, though, I've re-evaluated that, in fact, we're somehow being ripped off. We're bugged, or there are spies under our bar-stools furiously scribbling down our ideas as they drunkenly spill off our tongues. If a VB episode shows up w/ a FUMO-KINETIC (the power to control smoke w/ 1's mind), I better getta writer's credit & a paycheck!!

hittin' up Big Go for retro OR a note on Custom Robo

I note that touchstone Racketboy has late done a post on under-regarded Xbox games. Initially I wondered whether this isn't a pernicious over-extension of the notion 'retro'.

After a couple more diet cokes, tho', I chillaxed and started to use this 'retro' notion as a way to limn certain threads of gaming pleasure(s). Por exemplo, the delightful Drill Dozer, tho' new, counts as retro because its gameplay, while technical and highly demanding, is strictly within the confines of 2-d platforming tropes. That is, Drill Dozer does what Super Mario might have done, had those coders known certain manuvers were possible.(1) Drill Dozer does what Super Mario'nt!

As a fairly retro-oriented guy, it's clear that I often chase old pleasures in new packages. Lately I stumbled over a demo download for Custom Robo, which finally--finally!!--scratches my itch for Virtual On.(2) This giant-robot wargame was one of my greatest arcade pleasures(3), and I've long lamented its inaccessability. Custom Robo offers the same kind of fast-action, robot-on-robot violence, tactics-on-the-fly experience, and it contains massive customization options. The key similarities: it's batt'ling robots, and there's lots of jumping around with hiding behind boxes. I'm of the opinion that with these characteristics in place, it's hard for a game not to be good.(4)

Optimized for multiplayer usually does little for me. I've recently realized I'm a partisan of Nintendo's point that playing games with people you know, sharing the same space, is an experience of a different kind than playing with remote strangers. For donkey moons, I've thought I didn't like multiplayer gaming--I play games because I don't have any friends. Turns out, I just don't care to share my play with strangers. Or my porn, or my goddamned Oly, Canada! Buy yr own twatlapping beer, you cheap bastard!

Now DDT doesn't have a DS, and I doubt that's changing anytime soon. And Canada buys like one game a century.(5) Noway is Custom Robo gonna be one of those, and I'm done picking up games for that pigfucker just so I'll have somebody to play with. But I dunno. I actually had a bit of fun playing Metroid Prime: Hunters online against strangers, maybe Custom Robo'd be similar. In any case, for thirty wing-wangs, reckon I could cobble together a custom robot scrapper I could love.(6)

-Fat

(1) Hinting at an extension of this point, it would be interesting to consider Viewtiful Joe. My initial response would be that VJ is not properly considered as a 'retro' title, tho' it's explicitly a return to the 2-d side-scrolling brawler style. It doesn't fit because it relies on intensely novel moves that actually comment on on the standard ways of playing video games. If there's anything alien to retro, it's meta...

(2) I'd try to score Virtual On's sequel for my beloved 'Cast, but I wouldn't want to play it w/out the special controller which is scrotum-shrivellingly spendy out there on the 'nets. Plus, the only person who'd ever play it with me would be DDT, and:
(a) he never really comes over to play anymore;
(b) I'd really have to buy two scrotum-shrivellingly spendy special controllers to play it right.

His arcade dominance of me in this game remains second only to his mastery of me at NBA Live. In some ways it felt worse, tho', as it seemed so effortless. I'm frantically boost-jumping and trying to hit him w/ a special to buy some time as he snipes quietly, knowing where I'm going to be before I flail toward the place of my doom.

(3) I liked the Atari tank game T-Mekk a little better. Maybe I'll buy the Milestone-developed Tank Beat instead? It's getting abysmal reveiews, but I dunno. I trust Milestone. Mostly.

(4) Kinda slutty, also an idiot, that's me.

(5) 'Sides, we're pretty happy with Star Trek Tactical Assault. I'm a dominant, crushing 1-0 lifetime against him--Klingons FTW!!--and have begun practicing in secret single-player skirmishes. When I unleash the Awesome Power of Special Manuvers against him? He's gonna shit a big Canadian brick.

(6) During Giant Robot Month 2006, Tycho pointed out that his Chromehounds experience was entirely bound up in customizing his mech, creating a device that served as a portrait of his very soul. Rather doubt Custom Robo'd allow that, since I don't forsee any robot components corresponding to my core soul constituents of alcoholism, pornography enthusiasm, and all-consuming rage. Worth a shot, tho', yah?

Tokyo-to is My Babylon.

I SWEAR I remember being completely SMITTEN by the commercial for Jet Grind Radio prior to November 2000.¹ It vexes me,² for my nascent memories of, & attraction to, the Dreamcast fall squarely prior to the acquisition of my PlayStation. If anything, this confusion is a testimonial to the PS's mass market appeal, due mainly to cold rational AFFORDABILITY.³

Chronology aside, I thought this advert for JGR was the fecking bee's knees.



Observe:

1. The name of the store is BIG GO! This is a brilliant use of Japanese-English transliteration. I want to shop at BIG GO! If there's ever a Reviewiera store, it will be called BIG GO! Also, from the get go, this commercial is skewing heavy into wierdo country: middle American gamer might be thralled by the bright colors but laid-on thick Japanese TV stylings probably too "exotic."

2. Can anyone tell me what the lady says?

3. "Jet Grind Radio! Headquarters!" Ah, our 1st instance of stilted English...

4. Spray-painting a Japanese women's denim-skirt-clad derriere. Over the shoulder bashful look in response. I'm in love.

5. "Groovy is the music."

6. "[unintelligible] the skates!" Old man crashes into a store display. I still remember watching this part the 1st time. WHAT IS THIS!?!?

7. Hey, actual game footage! "You skate, you groove, and run from the man." Wait wait wait, you mean this is A GAME?!

Toss on top of this the experience of being of an impressionable age when cyberpunk was synonymous w/ anything Japanese, leading one to not only watch but ENJOY rather drab bullshit like Bubblegum Crisis, & this JGR ad resonated deeply w/in me.⁴

So, when I acquired my (1st) Dreamcast (of 3), & after acquiring Space Channel 5 via the infobahn to make sure the DC, y'know, worked, I set around to the task of procuring myself a copy of Jet Grind Radio.⁵ I actually had to order it TWICE off the 'bahn because the 1st copy was just too scuffed to play.

But then came the functional copy, &, in the words of Fat after playing Jet Set the 1st time, w/ which I fully agree, "BELIEVE THE HYPE."

-d.d.

¹ Nov. 2000 being the release date of Jet Grind Radio in North America.
² It vexes me greatly...
³ Ergo, I had sampled the waters of the river FinalFantasyVII, & thirsted for more. In 2000, brand spanking new PlayStations could be had for US$150, & FF7, being part of PlayStation's Greatest Hits collection, a mere US$19.99. And, in fact, it was @ the 82nd FredMeyer I went 1 day & purchased these exact 2 items, & nothing else. Then I went & got a burrito at UruapanTacquiera, as was the fashion of the time. Then I went home, played FF7, & then went back to the FredMeyer & got a memory card.
⁴ Tho, I fondly recall finding that some Japanimation nerd had spraypainted 'Bubblegum Crisis' on a wall down by the Blitz Brewery, back in the mid-90s.
⁵ Tho' I almost always call it Jet SET Radio, which is weird because I'm not sure where I first heard it called that...

Gamera

d.d. tinzeroes: See now, the KAIJU SESSIONS¹ began in late July or early August of 2002. Ultratom(!) & I, we had a play-date.

Ultratom(!): Yeah yeah, you were living in the Clinton neighborhood. We were going to go see Master of the Flying Guillotine, versus the One-Armed Boxer, no less, at the Clinton Street Theatre.

d.d. tinzeroes: Wish it was versus One-Armed Swordsman. Tho' Flying Guillotine is entertainment of the highest order. Anyways, one of us or both of us screwed up...

Ultratom(!): Man, & I was all pumped up to see Flying Guillotine, too. But, yeah, both d.d. & myself misread the schedule, & faced a troublesome decision: watch a film about D.I.Y. culture starring Ian MacKaye, GWAR, JG Thirwell (one of our mutual heroes), & a bunch of people we never heard of, OR see what kind of entertainment we could find across the street, at Clinton St. Video.

tinzeroes: Rather crestfallen, we retreated to the Video store, &, typically, began wandering around aimlessly. And then, Ultratom(!) sheepishly shuffled from across the store...

Ultratom(!): d.d. had been telling me of his new-found fascination w/ these "kaiju" film thing. I had not had much exposure to these, save for when I was 10, & had seen Rodan, Godzilla's Revenge, & I believe a Mothra film, all of which were hosted by Elvira. Oh yeah, & I saw Godzilla 2000 in the theater.

tinzeroes: Yeah, I'd been devouring kaiju films off the rack at Clinton St. for a few weeks already. They have this tape called Godzilla Fantasia which is all the best clips from the Gojira flixs of the 1950s-1970s², set to select soundtracks from the same movies. I'd also been reading some or another b-movie/bad movie review site which had sang high praises of the '95 Gamera.³

Ultratom(!): YES! And it was Gamera: Guardian of the Universe which had been staring at me since I walked into the store!!

tinzeroes: And when Ultratom(!) walked up w/ those puppy dog eyes I knew the evening's entertainment would involve a giant turtle.

Ultratom(!): I had no idea what I was getting myself into. In retrospect, though, when the girl at the checkout counter told d.d. he had a free rental accumulated from "all those Godzilla films," I should have suspected something...

tinzeroes: Oh, the movie. Right. Well. Giant reptilian turtle. Midair showdown. [shrugs, dusts hands]

Ultratom(!): Months later I showed this movie to my pal Peat. He liked it so much he changed the name of his business server to 'Gamera.'

-transcription & annotations by d.d.



¹ Originally appearing as "KAIJU-0: Gamera ('95)" in d.d. tinzeroes & ultratom(!)'s collaborative volume, the KAIJU SESSIONS (Kuloma-Jokerit Univ. Press, 2003).
² These films are known as the Showa period.
³ The pretty excellent Shrine of Gamera fansite is run, coincidentally, by a dude in Portland.

The quiet menance of the open sea.

Dwelling, re: the tandem assertion the Spurs/Tim Duncan are/is boring, yet, undeniably, excellent at the game of basketball.

Now, the world is FULL of boring people, though I suspect Duncan is not one of them. My hunch is he's just not being asked the right questions.

You know who else was unstoppable on the block, & was generally regarded as aloof?

Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, that's who. Paying praise of the possible highest order, Tim Duncan's precedent may very well be Kareem. He's just so fucking effortless! Duncan even has the little baby hook.¹

Both failed to provide beat reporters w/ easy ammunition. Yet, Kareem was perceived as being a bit of the asshole, while Tim is labeled flat out dull as dirt. This hinges, I believe, on Kareem being in LA, since its super easy to hate anything Laker, & the demand for, shall we say, GLAMOUR, is higher, & also since he hung out Bruce Lee & was a Muslim, yet wouldn't provide juicy quotes for the media. Thus, he MUST be an aloof dick.

Duncan might be what Kareem would have been like if he'd stayed in Milwaukee.² Maybe. Point is, its a smaller city, & as smaller cities will do, values 'ah shucks' types, especially if those types win 50-60 games a year & are a perennial title contender.

-d.d.

¹ Tip of the hat to my pops on that one. It was his observation of Duncan's unstoppablenessnish within 5 feet of the basket that caused him to draw a comparison to Kareem, & was also him who mentioned the baby-hook. This pondering led me to consider further parallels.
² Guess here's as good a place as any: about that '71 Bucks team. 66-16 regular season record. 16-2 in the playoffs including a sweep of the Baltimore Bullets in Finals (the Bucks played in the West back then). Coach Larry Costello on Buck's chemistry:

"That was a good bunch of guys," Costello recalled then. "When we got Oscar, people wondered how we were going to handle Oscar and Kareem together but it was no problem. Oscar wanted to win a championship so bad. Kareem didn't care about the PR, Oscar maybe a little more so, but Kareem got it anyway."

Mechanical Violator Hakaider

d.d. tinzeroes: I think we watched this... the day before Thanksgiving? That sounds right.¹

Ultratom(!): Yeah, I'd been wanting to see it for about a year or so at that point.

tinzeroes: Why?

Ultratom(!): Because I caught the tail end of it at Peat's dojo some time before. It was on the international channel & had no subtitles or dubbing, but looked pretty damn kewl.²

tinzeroes: I think I wanted to see it because I'd read about it over at the old TeleportCity site, before they updated it.³ I'd also seen director Keita Amamiya's Moon Over Tao & the 2 Zeram films & liked the zude's stuff.⁴ The cover was pretty badass looking, as well.



Ultratom(!): Since there were no subtitles when I saw it at Peat's, I think I had built it up in my mind a bit much. So I felt a little let down after actually seeing it.

tinzeroes: Its true. As nice as the production design & costumes can be, the plot's a little iffy. And sometimes the costumes look like a high-end cosplay convention production or something.

Ultratom(!): Yeah the set design was great, as was the costuming. Very post apocalyptic, in a good way.

tinzeroes: Its also mercifully short. Maybe an hour. The vast majority of Japanese films average a painful 2 hours. I've read this is because, for some reason, the Japanese never let an actor speak off-camera.

Ultratom(!): The final battle was the best. The super-white painted room? And when Haikaider & the bad robot would miss & punch the walls they were filled w/ blood-red tubes & stuff? That was kewl.

tinzeroes: I give it a pair of Lew Alcindors & a Dreamcast.




-transcription & annotations by d.d.

¹ KAIJU SESSIONS. These were a seminal, pre-Reviewiera collaborative project between myself & Ultratom(!). I recently realized they're ideal Reviewieran capsule reviews. This discussion of 1995's Haikaider was originally part of KAIJU-8, a double-feature which included Gojira x Megaguirus (’00).
² Reader beware, Ultratom(!) sez stuf like 'kewl' alot.
³ Truth be told, I owe Teleport City's Keith Allison huge debts of gratitude. I believe, if I remember correctly, that it was he who would gush about how great Patlabor was, among other things. Sir, I salute you!!!
⁴ Director/writer Keita Amamiya is a sort of modern day Harryhausen. Albeit, he might be working w/ budgets smaller even than Harryhausen’s. But the main point is Keita is a F/X kinda guy 1st, & a film-maker 2nd. He started out doing F/X for projects like the feature-film Gunhed & various Kamen Rider television shows. From there he worked his way up until he directed & wrote Zeram. Since then he’s helmed several projects, including Moon Over Tao, where the sci-fi element is present but reduced; & the tv miniseries Mikazuki, which looks fantastic, although I hear it bombed ratings-wise.

JRPGers Lament Suikoden II & Thousand Arms

Mention has been made in the past of fond memories for JRPGs Thousand Arms & Suikoden II.¹ Specifically, fonder memories than those involving 4 installments of Final Fantasy on the Playstation.²

Both games were purchased used at the GameCrazy out on 82nd & Powell back circa 2000 for about $15-18 each. I'd played the available FFs, but thirsted for more RPG action. Both games were selected from under the glass display case. I didn't have an internet connection at home so I couldn't research which titles were supposed to be good. Deliberations were limited to asking to see a game based on its front cover, staring at the back cover, maybe flipping through the manual. As any shopper knows, this is an extremely iffy methodology for buying, well, just about anything.

I'm reasonably certain I purchased Suikoden II 1st, &, having been absolutely spoiled by FFVII & VIII graphics,³ hated it. Also, being a JRPG of the more "classic" or "pure" variety, SuikodenII collates itself around the exploration/item management/combat delineation, but w/ a heavy emphasis on DOZENS of PLAYABLE characters. The cover is surprisingly literal in this respect: you can actually play most all of those characters on there!



Obviously, I came around to SuikodenII. I think it was at least a year later, not because my tastes had changed, per se, but more like because I'd come to my senses. Suikoden's world turned out to be quite large. I'm pretty sure there are regions & towns I never actually visited in the course of the game, & still I completed the game(!). It also has a nifty strategy component, your characters taking breaks from the level-up grinding & sidequests (again, of which I believe there were more than a few left uncomplete) to play regimental officers in a larger storyline. Pretty sweet. I'm glad I gave it the 2nd chance.

Thousand Arms was purchased in a similar manner to Suikoden II, tho it was an easier buy insofar it comprised of multiple discs, & bragged of anime-cutscenes.



Unlike SuikodenII, however, this JRPG had me at 'dating mini-game." What? Yeah!! Primary character Meis is a blacksmith, see. But to forge the mightiest of weapons, he has to go on dates w/ the girls in the party to accumulate a hidden number of, what to call them? Infatuation points? Crush points? Blush points?⁴ The more of these points you have when you forge or augment weapons, the stronger they will be.

I sold both of these games. A few days ago, on a lark, I checked Amazon for them.

Thousand Arms starting at $49.

Suikoden II starting at $99.

LAMENT!!!

-d.d.

¹ In this comment here, which I would alter slightly if written today. I'll still vouch for Thousand Arms & Suikoden II, but wouldn't completely write off FF stuff.
² Those 4 installments being Final Fantasy VII, VIII, & IX, & Final Fantasy Tactics, which, like a lot of people, I got because I heard Cloud was in it. In the interest of full disclosure: I played FFVIII twice, & actually began playing it a 3rd time. I never finished Tactics, tho I think that mainly due to being at the end of a several year long gaming binge (i.e, burnout).
³ And, to a degree, Legend of the Dragoon. Yeah, I was a FMV cut-scene slut.
⁴ The dating mini-game consists of the girl asking Meis questions (lovingly voice acted). You are then given 2 options for answers. One is usually the easy answer, the other the funny yet rude answer, although after answering a few questions correctly the available answers become more difficult to chose between. The girls' responses range from a slap to indifference to a blush to a peck on the cheek.

The World Falls Into Turmoil.Phantasy Star II: The End of the Lost Age.

Soeth it was, a DreamCast & a Genesis resting upon a coffeetable before me. Yet, the shelves of this fledgling institution of dead console gaming's libraries were bare. I had but Space Channel 5 for the DC & Sonic 2, Vectorman & Streets of Rage 2 for the Genesis. Even these titles were acquired for testing the consoles, to, y'know, make sure they actually functioned.

Tirelessly I soldiered, checking my Goodwill & the local used-game haberdashery.¹ Progress was slow. Crazy Taxi, the Genesis Ecco the Dolphin, Ready 2 Rumble, extra VMUs for the DC. Fuck, I even purchased Sonic Shuffle at my Goodwill since it was only 3yua & I was having such miserable luck finding anything.

Clearly government studies were needed. Thanks to Fat's experiences, I had a good feeling for DC titles, but the Genesis I was a bit in the dark about. I figured, "hey, what were the best titles in my fav genre on the Genesis?"

Keywords: RPG + Genesis + Best.

Results: Phantasy Star II & IV. Shining Force 2. Beyond Oasis.

Beyond Oasis, which does feature a middle eastern theme, yet, curiously, was released in Japan w/ the title "Story of Thor," is considered an excellent "Zelda-style" RPG (also categorized as 'action-RPGs').

Shining Force 2 is the tactical-RPG antecedent to Final Fantasy Tactics, apparently.

Phantasy Star, Vols. I-IV, was Sega's good-old-fashioned grind-it-out JRPG.

Some further inquiries, now forgotten, led me to the conclusion that episodes II & IV were the best of the bunch.² And so it was, Phantasy Star II arrived in the mail.³ I booted the cart & after a solid 30 minutes knew I was in LOVE w/ this game.⁴ Then I found out the save function wasn't working.

Considerable 'nets research & 2 weeks later, I had the 'gamebit' necessary to open the cartridge up & replace the battery, if necessary.⁵ As suggested in the research, the battery turned out to be merely loose from its contacts. Some judicious duct tape later, I was finally, truly, able to dig my paws into Phantasy Star II.



Phantasy Star II is of an older vintage(released in '89 in the U.S.), making no bones about the grind of leveling up.⁶ For example, the lead character, Motavian⁷ agent Rolf Landale, & his comrades, will have crawled 2 whole dungeons & the extant of dialogue (& thus plot/character development) conversed has been limited to being assigned a mission by Rolf's superior, Nei convincing Rolf to take her w/ him, & the introduction of Rudo. This is in stark, STARK contrast to more 'modern' fare, the likes of, say, Final Fantasy VII, or Xenogears, where conversations between party members can take 5-10 minutes to read at a time. Not in Phantasy Star II!! No blah blah blah HERE.

However, as entertaining as all of this was, nothing really prepared me for the scene which unfolded at the North Bridge.

To set the stage: Rolf & companion's arrived in the town of Arima to find it thoroughly sacked - houses dynamited, people in a daze, etc. Rolf is told by some residents of a girl named Tiem who was kidnapped by the same scoundrels. A journey to the bandits' base at Shure reveals it overrun w/ biomonsters, the bandits slaughtered to a man. Amongst the wreckage Rolf discovered a ransom letter to Tiem's father, Darum, for 50,000 meseta.⁸ Not having 50,000 meseta, Darum turned to the life of the highwayman himself, tolling travellers who wish passage across the North Bridge.

A subsequent raid on the tower of Dezo rescues Tiem, who demands to be taken to her father. Naturally, Rolf agrees, & the following scene unfolds...

Rolf: What's Tiem doing?

Tiem: I'm going to meet my father; don't go anywhere.

Darum: Hey girl! Give me your money or I'll kill you!

Tiem: I have nothing to give the likes of you!

Darum: Why, you...!!!

[attacks Tiem w/ his sword!]

Tiem: Uhhhh! Father!...killing...

Darum: Tiem!! Oh, what have I done? You won't die alone!

[they burst into flame!!]

Narrator: This is just one of the many tragedies that have come to pass as the world
falls into turmoil. Someone must save us!

I must confess, not 6 hours into this game & already witness to a filicide/suicide rattled me a bit. I mean, that's pretty dire. However, consider my interest ensnared.⁹

-d.d.

¹ Indeed, this is where most of the 1st meagre bushel of games originated.
² Turns out it was Racketboy.
³ Or, if in Japan, Phantasy Star II: The End of the Last Age.
⁴ Or, maybe more specifically, knew that the 12-year-old in me was in LOVE w/ this game.
⁵ What you need is the 4.5mm gamebit, which is erroneously listed at GamingGraveyard as for use repairing Nintendo products only. The bit does actually barely grasp the annoying security screws on a Genesis cart.
⁶ Fat has postulated that, in JRPGs, leveling up is , quite simply, playing the game. That is, clashing w/ monsters, & gaining experience/cash, & thus learning better ways/buying better gear to kill said monsters, is the fundamental 'game' component of JRPGs. Plot, character, & world are secondary. Alongside things like sounds & graphics, they are even mere bells & whistles. The point, I believe, is that if you find something satisfying in the achievement system of leveling up, you should probably try a different genre.
⁷ Being of or from the planet Mota. The sciffy/fantasy mix & match (lasers & swords - at the same time!) is one of the strongest facets of the Phantasy Star franchise, setting it apart from the crowd.
⁸ Meseta being the form of currency on Mota.
⁹ Further smitten by the addition to the party of 2 new characters, who are (get this) a doctor & a biologist! Also, did I mention you must equip the type of SHOES your characters wear!? Well, you must equip the type of shoes your characters wear! (translation: this game is charming my pants off)

the pickup scene at the art museum is so immature

Old college buddy--the Mormon Rocket--pointed me towards this painter name of Brandon Bird. Relatively genius, he's sort of a Ray Pettibon sans the content. (I take this drawing of Henry Rollins to be an explicit Pettibon homage.) Lots of Transformers paintings, amid altogether too many invocations of ironicly-appreciated semistars.(1)

For Reviewieran porpoises, however, his master (system) work must necessarily be: No One Wants to Play Sega With Harrison Ford. And why would they?

Other than that, the Law and Order works are nicely-observed, his appreciation of Ben Sisko matches my own--he just makes DS9 feel so protected, so very safe...cherished...--and Masters of the Force would be a perfect work if it had no title. As it is, it's at least a third less rad than it would've been if the viewer had to make the connections...

And that's the overarching tendency for Bird's work, I think. A little too much is said. Most everything's a third less good than it could've been. He passes the levels, no doubt, but doesn't often complete all the extra mission objectives.

-Fat

1.
Seriously. Mr. T? Bea Arthur? Chris Walken? James Woods? Ed Norton? The annoyingly-ressurected Chuck Norris? Blech. When did this society collectively lose the sense of what it means for something to be second-rate? Nothing as wonderful as Rom and Me. Then again, nothing ever has been as wonderful as Rom and Me.

we got brilliance, right here in River City OR on being the valedictorian of Crosstown High

Around a year ago, I picked up a title on clearance-plus-a-sale. I'd been looking for a straight brawler for a long time; among the greatest play experiences I've ever had is Final Fight, and I've been chasing that (double) dragon for a while.

I'd been swayed by the internet. Seanbaby, for example, had indicated that the game was about as good as games get, primarily by celebrating its manual. Now, at the time, I was enjoying GBA games primarily on my beloved pink handheld--a straight GBA, featuring zero backlighting, and, honestly, very little...ah...onscreen action. My initial tilts with the title, then, featured my GBA's flawfree button feel, but looked pretty thoroughly plain and in general failed to thrill. (One exception was grabbing a chain and beating somebody with it after I'd knocked them down. That--was--awesome!!)

A couple weeks ago, though, I gave the ol' girl another spin. This time on my delectable little micro. What I found was a straight brawler--move to the right, hit the attack button. But this one had a non-linear map. And a complicated inventory system. And a ton of unlockable special moves. And a robust levelling-up scheme. And a plot-and-character setup residing in the Triangle of Awesome established by the three points MYTHIC, ARCHETYPAL, and VIDEOGAME PREMISE.(1) Then there's an optional computer-controlled fighting partner whose A.I. I can adjust. And lovely graphics--several scrolling layers of parallax featuring neato hand-drawn backgrounds. And gravity I can tweak, if I want my foes to fly farther after I kick 'em a beatdown. And button feel matching that of the straight GBA. And those terrific chain-thrashings remain!

What I found, then, was a dead simple button-masher, a perfect pick-up-and-play game...that's nowhere near dead simple. It's the beat-em-up, the retardedest of genres, reimagined for the player who likes to overthink essentially everything. It's a game designed for those who like to treat the lowest of genres with the intellectual respect usually reserved for the highest of artifacts. It's a handheld game with a satisfaction payload--and a delight payload--as high as anything available. It's a button-masher whose special moves are legitimately difficult to pull off. River City Ransom EX offers complexity disguised as simplicity, with depth hidden under the shallowest of premises.

And it's this what makes it...the official game of Reviewiera!!

-Fat

1.
The game begins with a character's girlfriend kidnapped by a gang. The player character then starts the game in front of the perfectly generic "Crosstown High School". The universe given is ALL OUR universes--playing the game ends up remarkably like watching Streets of Fire.