Sunday, July 29, 2007

they're from texes, mac.


Since somehow Fat/myself have managed to open up the full can of worms regarding our proclivity of "tex" messaging, I figured I'd dig out these particular gems, from about the summer/fall of '04.

Gin the Hard Way Part II: Shot in the Place with Who's to Blame. Chapter Seven.
- fat C.Collision.
"So the Rock comes home one night and finds Vin Diesel's little brother in bed with his wife. Rock shoots him in the place, he bleeds out, dies. Vin has to get revenge, even tho' his brother was sleeping with another man, cause, you know, its family."

"Then what?"

"Dunno, chili cookoff, prob'ly."

- fat
A little context. Fat & me, we used to... do things. Things like rent A Man Apart (starring Vin Diesel), AND Walking Tall (starring the Rock!!) & watch them back-to-back. Or Catwoman & Elektra. There are others, which, ....blur... to one another... [shakes head as if shaking off a deep sleep] Anyways, we haves this standby joke for getting through the tougher segements of these... things. We make a self-propagating joke about "I can't believe the director butchered yr original script like this" & so forth, which is both kind of funny because it places the blame for a movies' suckiness DIRECTLY on the person SITTING NEXT TO YOU. Anyways, like I said, its self-propagating, which leads to Fat texing me movie titles & treatments which are these sort of frankenstien bastard lovechilds of all these other movies.

"Shot in the place" is a ref to A Man Apart. Diesel's (Vin, not Shaq) wifey is shot. In the..., uh, place. Its very unclear in the scene exactly WHERE she's been shot. This is pretty common in film, I s'pose, I mean, all that matters is (a) the character's been shot, so they can
(b) begin their death scene. The plot is advanced. Mission accomplished. Simply shot them in the place.

Gin the Hard Way, though, that's is all Fat Collision.


1 Comments + Unabashed Criticism:

Blogger Fat Contradiction said...


The "gin the hard way" routine was Collision. After the "shot in the place" joke'd been made, I was drinking awful coffee at Peet's w/ Collision, and I told him about it.

Whole time we were hanging out, he was doing that thing where he's always doing something...else. Like he's doing the Jumble as he's talking, or sewing during a movie, or this one time he told me about: he's watching a movie with some girl, and he's playing Metroid Prime Pinball on his DS. When he realizes what he's doing, he's grateful that at least he's not also dicking around on his laptop!

Anyways, he's scrawling in his notebook as we're shooting the shit and freaking out the squares (coffee shops on 15th & Broadway are not particularly prepared for cats like us). He goes inside to argue for a freefill, and I glance at the page he's been jotting 'pon. Loved the scribble, seemed a neato title, so I forwarded it to you...

Best part?

Near as I can tell, this "gin the hard way" is a vast project which begins as more or less a sequel to River City Ransom! Instantly crossed with Resident Evil... At the beginning, Ryan is in jail. Holding tank: he'd gotten in a bar fight a couple nights before, and hospitalized a dozen cops. It's clear from his demeanor that none of this is new. Claire Redfield shows up, leading a small squad of soldiers. (Or are they?) She explains that there's zombies in town!!

She intends to fight them, to beat them. But to do this, she needs somebody who knows River City. Noway Ryan's playing this game. Noway.

Claire's no dummy, though. She's done her homework--after all, she did know who Ryan was, and she points out that Cyndi's totally in zombie-type peril. Ryan knows he's gotta save 'er, but he insists that they also recruit Alex into the mission.

Predictable awesome shit happens thereafter. He's the one who proposes finding the source of the Zombie Problem by "tracing the epidemiology", and he insists in a perversely romantic moment that the girls (a) be brought along and (b) get armed to the teeth.

My favorite bit is that volume 2 of "gin the hard way" freezes Ryan, to save him from the zombie infection he's contracted. So much time passes that, when he's thawvived, the way to clean out the zombosis is carve out all the parts w/ evil in'm, and replace them with mechanical upgrades! Including a arm cannon!! ARM CANNON!

There's hints that Ryan 2.0 might be Weavel from Metroid Prime: Hunters. I dunno. Maybe the two story ideas were just on the same page.

Anyways, Collision came back from the coffee counter, having failed to get free drink, and we wandered off to the mall to have some Orange Julius'. It's been a couple years; not sure how the novels are going for the grumpy bastard, but I hope for the best, always.

5:48 AM  

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