UPS is Decadent and Depraved: A Tale of Porches (Which Do Not As Such Exist)

Initial Question: "porch"? This should have been delivered to my office, which is entirely porch-free. Where is my package?

Susan B.: Hi, this is Susan B.. I'll be happy to assist you.

Fat: Hi, great, thanks.

Susan B.: Just a moment while I look into that for you.

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Susan B.: I am showing the package was delivered to:
xxxx PARK BLVD
OAKLAND CA xxxxx

Is that your correct address?

Fat: Sigh.

Fat: That's an apartment building.

Fat: I am #6.

Fat: There is no porch there either, and several days ago I paid to have the address changed.

Fat: So there's kind of a lot of problems there.

Susan B.: I do see apartment 6 as well.

Fat: Okay...

Fat: So...

Susan B.: Have you looked around your delivery area possibly behind and bushes or furniture and check with any other household members that might have picked up the package?

Fat: I guess I'll leave work and go do that.

Fat: Is there a reason I was charged to change my delivery address when the delivery address was not changed?

Susan B.: I hope you are able to find the package, but if not, what you will want to do next is contact the shipper and let them know you never got the package so they can initiate a tracer investigation. Shippers are encouraged to report lost packages because receivers may not have all the shipment information needed to perform a thorough investigation.

Fat: I think I have enough information!

Fat: I changed the address, was charged money to do so, then your driver took my package to the wrong address and dumped it on a non-existent porch.

Susan B.: Sorry you were charged in error. I'd be happy to message the local center and request a refund for you. May I have your contact phone number including your area code please?

Fat: xxxxxxxxxx

Susan B.: It will take me just a few minutes to complete the message and I'll be right back with you.

Fat: Okay, thanks. While you're working on that message, can you explain why the UPS InfoNotice(R) I received said my written authorization was needed? B/c I didn't give them any written authorization to dump my package on a non-existent porch.

Susan B.: Thank you for you patience. Urgent message is on the way to the center and they'll be giving you a call within one hour regarding your package. The shipper did not send your package with a signature required at the time of delivery, so it is up to the driver's discretion whether your package is left or not.

Susan B.: Is there anything else I can help you with today?

Fat: Nope, thanks.